Addiction, Families, and the Hard Work of Healing

Addiction touches almost every family in some way. Even if we’ve emotionally cut off a loved one who struggles, the impact lingers. Addiction doesn’t just affect the individual, it weaves its way through families, generations, and relationships.

One story I once read captures this truth:

An alcoholic father had two identical twin sons. One son grew up to become an alcoholic himself. The other never touched a drop of alcohol in his life. When each was asked why they made the choice they did, they both gave the same answer:

“My father drank.”

The twin brother on the left drinking alcohol. The twin brother on the right drinking water.

At first, it might seem like this story shows that genetics or family history don’t fully decide our path. We have a choice in how we interpret and respond. But here’s the other side of the coin: both sons were just as likely to have a child who struggles with addiction.

You might think, “Wait, didn’t the son who never drank break the cycle?” The truth is, it depends. If he did the inner work to process his experiences and build resilience, perhaps he did. But if he only rebelled against drinking, shaming those who did, holding tightly to the idea of being the “opposite” of his father, then he may have carried the same addictive patterns, just in a different form.

This is why breaking cycles is so hard. Addiction isn’t just about the substance or behavior. It’s about the addictive thinking and unprocessed pain that can show up in many different ways.

The Family Roles in Addiction

When addiction is present, every family member is impacted. Families often develop “roles” as a way of coping. These aren’t fixed labels, and they can shift over time, but they help explain the dynamics:

• The Addict: The person whose substance use or addictive behavior is at the center of the family’s pain. They may also take on one of the other roles below.

• The Hero: Often the responsible, high-achieving one who tries to make the family look “okay” to the outside world.

• The Scapegoat: The one who acts out or gets into trouble, drawing attention away from the addiction itself.

• The Lost Child: Quiet, withdrawn, and often overlooked, coping by staying out of the way.

• The Mascot: The comedian of the family, using humor to defuse tension or pain.

Each role is a way of surviving in a dysfunctional system. None of them are healthy long-term, but they make sense in the context of chaos.

Why Quitting Is So Hard

On average, it takes eight attempts before someone quits for good. Some people succeed the first time (rare!), while others may try twenty or more times. This is not a sign of weakness; it’s the nature of addiction. The brain and body adapt to substances or behaviors, making change incredibly difficult.

Options for Healing

Rarely can someone heal from addiction on their own. Support is essential. Depending on the severity, someone might consider:

• Detox programs for safely managing withdrawal.

• Residential treatment centers for immersive care.

• Partial Hospitalization Programs (PHP) or Intensive Outpatient Programs (IOP) for structured support while living at home.

• Individual therapy for exploring underlying trauma and building coping skills.

Peer support groups, such as:

• Alcoholics Anonymous (AA)

• Narcotics Anonymous (NA)

• Gamblers Anonymous (GA)

• Al-Anon (for families and loved ones)

• Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACA)

• Celebrate Recovery

• SMART Recovery

The Opposite of Addiction Is Connection

I believe the opposite of addiction isn’t simply sobriety, it’s connection. Addiction thrives in isolation. People who struggle often feel disconnected from themselves, their families, and their communities. Sometimes it’s by their own choices, other times by rejection, stigma, or shame. Either way, disconnection deepens the cycle.

Healing happens in connection, through support, empathy, and working together to address not just the behavior, but the trauma underneath. Support does not mean enabling. It means standing alongside someone as they do the hard work of healing.

A Hard Path, But a Hopeful One

Addiction is one of the hardest challenges a family can face. Not everyone makes it out alive, and the path is rarely smooth. But there is hope. With treatment, support, and a willingness to do the inner work, cycles can be broken. Families can heal. New patterns can be built.

If addiction has touched your life or your family, know this: you are not alone. Healing is possible. And while the journey may be hard, every step toward connection and resilience is a step toward freedom.