The Rise of Shame Culture and How We Can Choose Better, Especially for Those Living With PCOS

The Rise of Shame Culture and Why It Matters

Shame culture is not new, but it has become louder, more pervasive, and more socially acceptable, especially online. I see it in comment sections, in therapy rooms, in medical offices, and increasingly in spaces that are supposed to be supportive. Shame often disguises itself as advice, truth telling, or “just being honest.” It can be subtle, unintentional, and deeply harmful.

I hear it in phrases like, “I don’t understand how someone can’t just…” or “That’s not real,” or “That’s a myth.” These statements may not sound cruel on the surface, but they carry a powerful message. They dismiss lived experience. They imply incompetence, exaggeration, or ignorance. They shut down curiosity and replace it with judgment.

Shame culture thrives in environments where people feel entitled to speak without listening. Social media accelerates this by rewarding certainty over nuance and confidence over compassion. The result is a world where people feel increasingly unsafe sharing their experiences, especially when those experiences do not fit a dominant narrative.

This is particularly true for people living with chronic conditions like PCOS.

Shame culture tries to bind us, but connection and compassion can help us heal. We deserve better, and those living with PCOS deserve support, not judgment.

PCOS and the Unique Burden of Shame

People with PCOS are often shamed in ways that are both overt and subtle. Sometimes the shame is loud. Sometimes it is quiet. Often it is wrapped in concern, advice, or supposed expertise.

In medical settings, many people with PCOS hear some version of, “Just lose weight.” As if weight loss is simple, universally accessible, or even possible in the same way for everybody. As if weight is the root cause rather than one symptom in a complex endocrine condition. These statements may not be intended to shame, but they frequently do. They reduce a multifaceted condition to a moral failing and place responsibility entirely on the patient’s willpower.

In online spaces, including support groups meant to be safe, shame can be even more insidious. I recently witnessed a post in a PCOS support group where someone shared their lived experience, only to be told that what they were experiencing was a myth. The dismissal was framed as education, but the impact was silencing. When someone tells you that your experience is not real, that you are misunderstanding your own body, or that “science says otherwise,” it can cause you to question yourself. That is not support. That is gaslighting.

Gaslighting does not always come from malicious intent. Sometimes it comes from people who are convinced that their experience is universal. Statements like, “That doesn’t happen,” or “That’s not how PCOS works,” or “I didn’t have that issue, so it must not be PCOS,” erase the reality that PCOS presents differently in different bodies.

PCOS is not one experience. It is many. Weight changes, insulin resistance, fertility struggles, hair growth or loss, mood shifts, chronic fatigue, inflammation, and metabolic differences can show up in countless combinations. When we deny that variability, we shame people for not fitting the version of PCOS we recognize.

Shame culture keeps people small and silent. Compassion helps them rise and feel seen. Those living with PCOS deserve the safety of support, not the burden of shame.

How Shame Shows Up Without Us Realizing It

One of the most important things to understand about shame culture is that most people do not intend to shame others. Shame often emerges from unexamined assumptions.

It can sound like:

• “Have you tried doing what I do? It worked for me.”

• “You just need to be more disciplined.”

• “If you followed this plan correctly, you wouldn’t have those symptoms.”

• “That’s misinformation.”

These statements may be offered with the intention to help, educate, or motivate. But intention does not erase impact. When advice ignores context, access, biology, trauma history, or individuality, it can quickly become shaming.

Shame also appears when we mistake difference for error. When someone’s experience does not match our own, the temptation is to correct rather than to listen. This is especially common in online health communities, where people often speak from personal success stories without recognizing that what worked for them may not work for everyone.

The Difference Between Guilt and Shame

Understanding the difference between guilt and shame is essential if we want to do better.

Guilt says, “I did something that doesn’t align with my values.” Shame says, “There is something wrong with me.”

Guilt can be productive. It invites reflection, accountability, and repair. Shame is corrosive. It leads to defensiveness, withdrawal, and silence.

When someone realizes they have shamed another person, especially unintentionally, guilt may surface. That guilt is not something to run from. It is a signal that growth is possible. Shame, on the other hand, keeps people stuck. It says, “I’m a bad person,” instead of, “I can learn to respond differently.”

For people with PCOS, shame often becomes internalized. After years of being dismissed, minimized, or blamed, many begin to question their own experiences. They may hesitate to speak up in appointments, downplay symptoms, or feel embarrassed asking for support. This internalized shame can be just as damaging as external judgment.

Repair Is Possible and Necessary

The goal of talking about shame culture is not to point fingers or assign blame. It is to create awareness and make repair possible.

If you learn that something you said caused harm, repair does not require perfection. It requires humility. A simple acknowledgment can go a long way. Statements like, “I didn’t realize that came across as dismissive,” or “I’m sorry, I wasn’t considering how different experiences can be,” can reopen connection.

Repair also involves changing future behavior. That might mean asking more questions before offering advice. It might mean pausing before correcting someone’s experience. It might mean saying, “That hasn’t been my experience, but I believe you,” instead of insisting on being right.

It is okay to have different experiences. It is not okay to invalidate someone else’s reality because it does not match our own.

How to Protect Yourself When You Are on the Receiving End

If you live with PCOS or another chronic condition, you will likely encounter shame at some point. Knowing how to protect yourself matters.

You are allowed to block, mute, or leave spaces that consistently invalidate you. That is not avoidance. That is boundary setting.

You are allowed to choose not to engage with people who dismiss your experience. You do not owe anyone proof of your pain.

If you do choose to respond, grounding yourself first can help. Remind yourself that someone else’s denial does not define your reality. Their response reflects their limitations, not your truth.

Choosing a Better Way Forward

Shame culture thrives when we prioritize certainty over curiosity and ego over empathy. We can choose better.

We can listen more than we correct. We can honor lived experience alongside research. We can recognize that support looks different for different people. We can repair when we miss the mark instead of doubling down.

This is not about lowering standards or ignoring evidence. It is about remembering that behind every post, every comment, and every appointment is a human being trying to make sense of their body and their life.

As Rafiki says in The Lion King, “The past can hurt. But the way I see it, you can either run from it or learn from it.” We will all make mistakes. What matters is whether we learn from them and choose to do better next time.

Disclaimer

This content is for educational and informational purposes only and is not a substitute for medical or mental health treatment, diagnosis, or individualized care. If you need personalized support, please consult a licensed medical or mental health professional.