It’s Okay to Not Be Okay: Understanding Grief and Giving Yourself Permission to Feel

Grief is messy, unpredictable, and often misunderstood. Society has expectations about

how long it should last, how it should look, and how we should “move on.” But grief doesn’t follow a schedule, and it doesn’t care about anyone’s timeline. As Megan Devine reminds us in It’s Okay to Not Be Okay, grief is not a problem to fix, it is a process to live through.

Often, loved ones mean well when they say things like:

• “It’s time to move on.”

• “At least you had [X].”

• “You need to be strong for everyone else.”

But these words, even if well-intentioned, can feel like salt on an open wound. They can make you feel isolated, misunderstood, or pressured to perform your grief in a socially acceptable way.

The Cycle of Grief

Grief is not linear. It doesn’t start and stop neatly. You may experience waves of sadness, anger, confusion, or guilt. Some days feel almost normal, and other days a small memory or happy event can trigger a sudden surge of pain. Graduations, moves, anniversaries, or even joyful moments can unexpectedly reopen old wounds.

Here’s what the grief cycle can look like:

1. Shock and Numbness: Feeling detached, unreal, or emotionally frozen.

2. Pain and Sadness: Waves of sorrow, longing, or despair.

3. Anger or Frustration: Questions of “why” or feelings of injustice.

4. Guilt or Regret: Thoughts of “if only” or “what could I have done differently.”

5. Moments of Acceptance or Adjustment: Not forgetting but learning to navigate life alongside the grief.

Remember, these stages are not linear. You may revisit them multiple times, sometimes in a single day. That’s normal. That’s grief.

Time Doesn’t Heal, You Grow Stronger

A common misconception is that time will make grief disappear. It doesn’t. Grief doesn’t shrink; you grow stronger. You learn to ride the waves, manage the surges, and care for yourself amid the pain. But sometimes, grief will still knock you off your feet, and that’s okay.

I am here to meet you where you are. To sit with you in the waves. To say: it really does suck, and it’s okay that you’re not okay. You don’t have to apologize for your feelings, rush through your sadness, or measure your grief against anyone else’s. Your experience is valid, and your feelings matter.

Healing is not about forgetting or moving on, it’s about surviving, learning, and gradually finding your footing again. It’s about acknowledging that grief is a lifelong companion, sometimes quiet, sometimes overwhelming, and that you are capable of handling it, even when it feels impossible.