Taking a Break During Conflict: A Step-by-Step Guide for Couples

Jessica Elliott
Dec 2
2 min read

Taking a Break During Conflict Takes Practice

Conflict is natural in relationships but knowing when and how to take a break can prevent harm and promote respect for one another. Here's a structured approach for recognizing when to step away and how to return productively.

1. Recognize Signs of Emotional Flooding

Emotional flooding occurs when the nervous system is overwhelmed. These are common signs:

Fight: You're verbally aggressive, repeating yourself, or feel unheard. Example: “I keep saying the same thing and it’s going nowhere.”
Flight: You feel the urge to leave or have already walked out. Example: “I need to get out of here before I explode.”
Freeze: You are physically present but mentally checked out. Example: “I’m staring at them but not really processing anything.”
Fawn: You suddenly agree just to end the conflict, even if it’s untrue. Example: “You’re right, whatever you say,” said abruptly in mid-argument.
Flop/Faint: You shut down entirely; emotionally or physically. Example: Lying still, falling asleep, or feeling like passing out.

Note: During flooding, memory loss is common. The brain is in survival mode and deprioritized non-essential information.

2. Monitor Physical Indicators

A strong cue for flooding is an elevated heart rate:

Over 100 bpm for most people
Over 80 bpm for athletes

3. Use a Clear Signal to Request a Break

Develop a shared phrase or keyword to signal the need for a break.

Example phrase: “Rutabaga, one hour.”
- "Rutabaga" signals you're flooded.
- "One hour" sets a timeline for return.

Tip: Always give a minimum of 20 minutes, as the body needs this time to physiologically calm down.

4. Engage in Calming Self-Care (Not Ruminating)

Use your break to calm yourself, not to prepare counterarguments.

Helpful Activities:

Take a walk
Practice yoga or breathing exercises
Shoot hoops, go fishing, read
Exercise (monitor carefully, if you're more agitated after 10 minutes, switch activities)

Avoid: Rehearsing arguments or mentally reliving the conflict.

5. Return to the Conversation Promptly and Respectfully

Most missed step: Coming back to the discussion.

The person who called the break is responsible for initiating the return.
Example: “It’s been an hour, are you ready to talk? I’m ready when you are.”

This ensures the other partner feels respected and heard and makes future breaks more acceptable.

6. Allow for Learning and Flexibility

You might miss early signs of flooding at first. That’s okay.

Practice tip: Reflect after each conflict to identify early cues (e.g., tension, clenched fists, zoning out). Over time, you’ll get better at noticing them earlier.

Why This Matters

Taking a break during conflict and returning respectfully:

Reduces escalation
Builds trust and emotional safety
Increases mutual respect
Creates space for more effective problem-solving